Healing Chronic Illness by Ending the War Within: My Journey to Mind-Body Peace

As I am working on healing myself from chronic illness (a second time over), I wanted to share some insight that I learn. It may or may not apply to you, so if it doesn't, please feel free to ignore.

Much of my suffering in my physical body is a manifestation of the suffering in my mind. I put on so much weight, thinking it was just my thyroid (and yes, hypothyroid definately will cause you to gain weight) or my low metabolism. But I also failed to see how I was insulating myself emotionally. The weight is a cocoon, sheilding me from being visible, putting space between me and my loved ones because my nervous system couldn't handle it. I did not feel emotionally safe, even with my closest loved ones.

What did not feeling emotionally safe in my own home looked like:

• Letting other people make decisions for me because I wanted them to be happy and ignored my own wants/needs.

• Shrinking my voice to not upset other family members or "rock the boat".

• Trying to make myself invisible to avoid unwanted attention.

• Trying to control and micromanage my kids and others around me in an attempt to create predictabilty and safety.

• Spending hours a day nurturing my clients (working as a massage therapist), then my family, and then ignoring myself.

I was an intense people pleaser. If I was a flower in a garden, I would water everyone else to the point that there would be nothing left for myself. I was dried up as a desert.

My self esteem/self concept was also trash because I felt like such a failure in life. Even though others don't see me that way, I did. To an extent that there was a moment I thought my family would be better off without me. And that thought wasn't genuinely mine (thankfully, only 5 mg of lexapro fixed that), but my mind was in such a deprived state, that my body was derprived also.

What I Did Differently That Started The Change

Since the beginning of the year, I have put so much effort into learning to regulate myself. It hasn't been easy, especially after what I have gone through with my husband (he is from Mexico and due to the current political landscape, he self-deported for his safety) and also having two special needs kids. I am learning how to stop being a victim of life and the struggle. I am learning how to make my struggle part of my victory. That someday in the near future, I can look back at all this, take a deep breath of relief, and remind myself I am much stronger, more resiliant, and more resourceful than I ever realized.

I started with changing the stories I keep telling myself on a daily basis. When I had negative self talk cross my mind, I would ask myself questions like:

• Where did this thought come from?

• Is it really true?

• Does it align with my values?

• What is the underlying emotion that my soul is trying to get me to release so I can update my belief system?

I also started daily rituals to start and end my day. I do things like

• mirror work

• listen to affirmations and subliminal videos

• listen to music that aligns with how I want to feel

• keep a running log of things I am grateful for

• Estatic dance or use my vibration plate to help release pent up emotions

• I also stopped daily rituals that were keeping me triggerd, and in fight/flight mode. This mostly included watching the news and doom scrolling on social media.

For my entire life, I had no structure to my day. I woke up with enough time to get myself ready for work/school and my kids ready for their school. Nothing was done with any intention. I lived mostly on autopiolet. Living like this caused me to lose touch with my intuition and myself. Performing rituals, even if for five minutes, helped me stay grounded and have intention for my day.

Chronic Illness Recovery Through Ritual and Homeopathy

Today I had an epifiany after taking a homeopathic remedy to help with constitutional/habitual patterns and performing a ritual of release. John Lennon's Happy Christmas (War Is Over) song played in my mind. The words "War is over, if you want it. War is over now." Played over and over again. So I listend to the song, and I watched a video protraying the harships of war and how it affects those on the losing end. I was on the losing end of the war with myself. But I now declare that the war is over. The old systems have been broken down, and it's time to build something new and better and in more alignment with how I want to experiance what time I have left on this planet.

Feel free to watch the video, or not. It's not an easy watch. But as you watch it, if you are going through a chronic, denerative disease process (and that disease doen't have to relate to your health, it can relate to any disease process in any part of your life) to declare to yourself that the war is over.